Props up to
Gene Akizuki for this post. I just can't stop laughing at it! XD
WARNING: For mature readers only! Parental guidance is not advised!LOL!
Excerpts from comedian Chris Rock on his stand-ups:
“Doctors don't cure shit! They don't cure shit! The last disease doctors cured was polio, when's the last time you met someone with polio?”
[Impersonating a boss and his employee]
"Why weren't you at work today?" "Oh, my polio's actin' up again!" They don't cure shit!
When I was a kid, I had to be near-death to see a doctor, so my daddy got into the habit of putting Robitussin on everything, and I mean EVERYTHING!
[Impersonating his father and himself]
Daddy, I got asthma! "Well here, take some Robitussin!" Daddy, I got cancer! "Here, take some Robitussin!" Daddy, I broke my leg! "Here, put some Robitussin on it... that's right, let the Robitussin sink in there."
You think the government is gonna cure AIDS? NOO! They can't even cure athlete's foot!!!
The government curing AIDS? That's like Cadillac making a car that last for fifty years... and you know they can do it! But they ain't gonna do something that fucking dumb! Shit! They got metal on the space shuttle that can go around the moon and withstand temperatures up to 20,000 degrees. You mean to tell me you don't think they can make an El Dorado where the fucking bumper don't fall off?
I took the AIDS test... passed it... with a 65! Now, the scary thing about the AIDS test is that when you take it, you don't get the results back for FIIIVVEE days, and in those five days you start reflectin'. You start reflectin' on every single piece of dirty, disgusting little sex you've ever had! Oh my God, 1993, what the fuck was I thinkin'? Then, you start callin' people up to see if they still alive!
[Impersonating a telephone cal]
Yeah, hello, is Stacy there? "This is Stacy." CLICK! Hello, is Tammy there? "Oh, Tammy dead." Well, what happened? "... she got hit by a bus." OH, THANK THE LORD!
They wanna get you hooked on some legal shit! They just keep on naming symptoms until they name you that you fuckin' got.
It's like: are you sad, are you lonely, you got athletes foot? Are you hot, are you cold, what you got? Ya want this pill huh, mothafucka? You gotta take this pill!
And they don't even tell you what the pill does, you see a lady on a horse, or a man in a tub... And they just keep naming symptoms: are you depressed, are you lonely, do your teeth hurt, what the fuck? I saw a commercial the other day that said, "Do you go to bed at night and wake up in the morning?" Oh shit they got one! I got that! I'm sick, I need that pill!
If drugs were legalized, there would be a drug spot in every corner. It wouldn't be a Starbucks. It'd be Weedbucks. McDonald's? McCokeald's. Krispy Kreme? Kracky Kreme. Krispy Kreme Donuts are so good, if I told you it had crack in it, you would be like, "I knew it was something in there. These donuts are too good. Got me going there at 4 o'clock in the morning going, "Come on, man, open up. Let me have at least one donut. I'll do anything. I'll suck your dick!" That should be the new slogan. Krispy Kreme: So good, you'll suck a dick!!!
Final word: "When LeBron plays hockey, he wont even need a stick. He'll smack the puck with his dick!" - Chris Rock
